Tuesday, January 10, 2017


Well I think I have my insomnia tackled. I haven’t been napping and I haven’t drank coffee in the afternoon, other than my one cup after lunch, and I am able to fall asleep, so that is good. I feel like my Lexapro is working and I’m wondering if it gives me energy, or if I have extra energy because it’s increasing my serotonin levels which is making me feel less depressed which is automatically giving me more energy. 

So what I did on New Year’s Eve is take EVERYTHING (and I mean EVERYTHING) out of our basement storage area, put it in the basement, go through it, create a pile for goodwill (2 trips with my SUV loaded to the brim), create a pile for trash, and consolidate bins (I have empty bins!!!). It felt really, really good to get that done but it was hard work because I was doing it single handedly and now for the first time in my life I feel like I actually know where everything is in my house! (except in the garage – that’s Jeff’s domain, but it’s fairly organized). 

I really, really should have taken a “before” picture but here is what it looked like when I pulled everything out:

Basically, you could not even WALK into the storage area without tripping over shit. Like, literally. This area, right here? Under the stairs? Used to be filled with thrown luggage, Xmas tree box, and other crap. 
Nice crack in foundation, eh? (It’s sealed but unattractive). 
I swept the entire room out and consolidated items. For goodwill:
New look:
Everything labeled! Everything on a shelf! Empty bins on top! Empty shelf! (Yes we have 5 bins of Xmas decorations. Oiy vey).
Yes we still have too many vases but…some of them are really nice and I don’t want to get rid of them!
If you know me, and you know how unorganized I usually am (except at work), you know what a HUGE accomplishment this was for me! I even did our little storage area next to this too!

In unrelated news, do you save your American Girl Doll boxes? I haven’t been but I have two I could save…yay or nay?

Wednesday, January 04, 2017

Mr. Sandman, Where Are You??

So I just discovered that my Lexapro can cause insomnia. Lucky me, it seems to be one of the side effects I am having. YAY.

Actually, here’s the complicated part. It COULD be the Lexapro or it COULD be that my sleep schedule is off anyway because I was off from work on break and then because I was sick I was sleeping in (sleeping in for me is 8am) and then because I was sick and tearing through the house on an organization rampage, I would wear myself out and then take a long nap and then because I took a long nap I then couldn’t fall asleep at night and…it’s a vicious cycle.

It’s quite unusual for me to have insomnia, despite my anxiety. Literally, I can fall asleep on a plane before it even leaves the ground. Last night, Ethan couldn’t sleep so he came into our bed and the boys were tossing and turning and it was crowded and I was hot and even though I tried listening to my meditation music, I was still laying there, so then I went to the basement guestroom and did more of the same and well basically I’m on 5 hours of sleep right now. I typically get 7, and I NEED 9. I will make it through today but tomorrow might be a disaster. Again, not sure if it’s the meds, or if it is circumstance. Problem is of course that if I can’t sleep, I can’t wake up early enough to work out and if I can’t run I can’t regulate my emotions…coupled with lack of sleep, the not running increases my anxiety and jitteriness and no I do NOT want to add sleep meds ON TOP OF my current meds. So, we will see what happens tonight and if I STILL can’t sleep I will throw a temper tantrum. And then call my doctor before I fall apart. Yes I could try melatonin. Or maybe just take the Lexapro in the morning instead of at night?

A blogger friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder and I didn’t even know that existed. It has been suggested to me by friends and doctors that I could POSSIBLY be bipolar though I have never received an official diagnosis as such. And I typically dismissed this as I do not see myself as exhibiting mania. But then this acquaintance mentioned “hypomania” which is a symptom of Bipolar II and it’s basically a milder form of mania – like having lots of energy and wanting to keep moving and do stuff and I’m also wondering if my recent ‘nesting’ and organizing is a side effect of my Lexapro, or perhaps the serotonin is giving me more energy because I’m not as depressed and so it means I’m more interested in doing things or maybe it is hypomania and oh I don’t know; it’s so complicated. 

Tuesday, January 03, 2017


Let’s hope 2017 doesn’t suck as much as 2016, eh? Who’s with me??!
So today is my first day back to work after having been off since the 23rd of December. The proper way to do this would be to divide into several posts, and maybe I will but since I didn’t write over the holidays, I have a bunch of shit going through my head and I need to get it out.

First off I wonder if Jeff reads this blog even though I never told him about it. He found out about it from my a-hole old work friends who no longer hang out with me for some unknown reason (maybe because I’m crazy?) and they couldn’t keep their damn mouths shut.

I have to bitch about men for a minute.

First off, Jamie just called me re: Sophie schedule. I asked him if he received the email about my February trip to California. Basically, I get a free trip to California because we are having our company holiday party in Orange County, where I grew up, where one of our new offices is. So I wanted to add some time on to that trip to visit with Jackie and Kim. And I found a good flight so I booked it (I’m still conscious about $ even on the company dime). And then I told Jamie my dates. This was before Xmas or just after, and the trip isn’t until Feb. 8. So he has a good 7 weeks notice. And on the phone he goes, “Yeah I did get your email but in the future can you please discuss those dates with me before you book?” Oh I’m sorry – 7 weeks isn’t enough for you? I can’t control the date my company sets for the holiday party, and I’m sorry, are you asking me to GET YOUR PERMISSION before scheduling MY vacation? Okay yeah I get it – he has to take over Sophie care but she’s HIS KID TOO. Now I can let it go, thank you.

On to MY lovely hubby. I got sick on NYE. Not from drinking; I still haven’t drank since August. But sick like cold sick. Runny nose, headache, cough, sore throat – all of that. Fun stuff, right? But STILL over break I was ‘nesting’ like crazy and had a deep, deep desire to get our fucking house organized. I’ll go more into it on a different post (with photos!) but basically on NYE my hubby was hungover so he sat on the couch the entire day watching TV while I literally tore our fucking basement apart. Granted, in his defense, this wasn’t a plan we BOTH made; it was all me and I needed to get it done but once started he didn’t bother to help and although he SAW my pile of trash, my pile to Goodwill, he then got upset last night because I gave away an ugly-ass mirror that’s been in our basement since I moved in, because he wanted it for his office. AND he kept bugging me to stop and take a break so we could binge-watch Shameless on Netflix and I was like, “I don’t start projects and not finish them” and he was like “that is the whole point of a project” and I was like, “Um, no.” And this is why I’m not down with his “here’s the deal” with our kitchen where he wants to do it himself with his buddy Leo. I look around our house and see all the unfinished projects and don’t want to live with my kitchen torn up for a year. Besides, I’m sick of talking about the fucking kitchen when nothing ever happens with it.

Our Christmas was nice, how was yours? I am blessed to have two kids who really don’t ask for too much and who both said they had an awesome Christmas because they got what they wanted. Ethan only asked for one thing – paintball guns, which he got (how could you not get the kid the one thing he asked for? Unless he was asking for say a Maserati or something), and because he didn’t ask for anything else, it was actually very difficult to shop for him.

As a joint parent gift, we got Sophie her very own iPad which she needs for school next year. I’m back to bitching about men for a second. Jamie and I agreed to split the cost but I found the deal and I paid for it and I had it shipped to my house and I wrapped it and he hasn’t paid me back yet. So I’m out the money and now he was given a ‘heads up’ by his job that his position is going to be eliminated – no date set yet – and then TT got laid off just before Christmas which really fucking blows and I do feel bad enough that I don’t want to bug him about the money but I don’t feel SO bad because I’m assuming they got severance and also they have at least three income properties so there must be money coming in from that and here is a new year’s resolution, dealing with the same issue:

Jamie and I agree to split, 50/50, all of Sophie’s activities and medical bills. I keep an Excel spreadsheet with the activity, month paid, total due, each due, who paid what, and who owes who what. Because money is important to me because I don’t have a ton of it. And even though I put that spreadsheet on Google Drive for us and even though I end up emailing it to him once a month because he tends to wait until it all evens out, meanwhile I’m in the red because I’ve been shelling out cash and he hasn’t paid me back. Yes, I understand there are things he paid for and didn’t tell me like some sick doc visits and basketball but I am the one keeping track and every time I send the spreadsheet he says he has to ‘dig’ to see what he’s paid for that I haven’t. Fine, that’s fair. Right now I have it that he owes me $1300 and minus what he’s paid for and I haven’t it might only be $600 or whatever but the point is only one of us is tracking it and that means the $ isn’t as big of a deal to the person NOT tracking it, you catch my drift? So here is the new year’s resolution of mine:
From now on, I’m paying half, direct, to whoever it’s due to, and I will tell him he owes the other half by X date. Ex: Musical Theater dues for Spring are coming up this month and I will write a check for exactly half the amount directly to Musical Theater and then tell him to do the same, instead of doing what I usually do which is write the full amount and have him owe me.

Okay, enough about money; nobody likes to make that shit public.

What else did I have? Um, I guess the rest should remain private; I’m getting more private lately. I’ve already revealed too much.

Oh, here’s the last thing. Different topic. No, wait – a couple of things.
1 – Did I tell you my psych put me on Lexapro? On top of my Pristiq? (As if this isn’t private but whatever you guys already know I’m on anti-depressants). So, I’ve been on Pristiq forever which is an SNRI? And it boosts your norepinephrine. I asked about Wellbutrin because some of my friends are on it and love it and I know that it can help you quit smoking which I want to do before I’m 40 (which is in 3 months) so I asked about that even though I’ve tried it before I’m not sure I gave it a fair shot (it didn’t work then) but my psych didn’t recommend it for me because it works on dopamine and can make people MORE anxious. So instead she put me on Lexapro which works on serotonin. And why the fuck isn’t there a simple blood test for this shit instead of a big guessing game? Like, here, we’ll prick you and now we know: you need more or less dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine. I’ve been told there actually IS but since the brain is so fucking complicated it might not be that reliable and insurance doesn’t usually cover? I don’t know. I think my new med is working because the past two times I went to my counselor I didn’t have much to say, which is actually a good thing because it means things are calm, but then I had a mini-breakdown on NYE-eve and I don’t know what the hell that was about (I was getting sick, stuck at home, not enough social time outside of Jeff, the dog and Sophie?) but Jackie made me feel better and reminded me that I am still grieving and grief is not linear and it comes in waves and well that night it hit me like a tsunami and I SOBBED over Summar for 90 minutes and sometimes I just feel like I don’t know how to navigate life without her, even though I know she is helping navigate from above. Anyway, Jackie made me feel better and like I wasn’t that crazy and that it didn’t necessarily mean my meds weren’t working.

2 – I started the nicotine patch because of my ‘quit before I’m 40’ goal and also you know you are a fucking addict when you are excited to spend QT with your daughter over break and not be stressed about work but then you think holy shit how will I smoke? So on the patch I can go like up to 7 hours without thinking of a cigarette (though if I get the opportunity, I will take it). Normally I think of it every 2-4 hours.

3 – I had something else…what was it? Oh! Yeah. Friends. So. I’m a loser and I’ve lived in St. Louis for the past 15 ½ years but I still don’t really feel like I have friends here; I feel closer to people in Portland like Summar’s friend LeAnn than I do to people here and I don’t really have a gfriend I can just call up and say, “Hey let’s go to lunch and get our nails done!” and this makes me a bad daughter because I’m sure my mom feels the same and I don’t do that with her because I am somewhat guarded with her because she is my mom and also I need friends my own age too and basically I suck and I don’t know how to make new friends. And remember I have ONE free night a week, that is all, so hobbies and book clubs and volunteering are probably not going to cut it for me. And I feel the same about Soph. She’s halfway through the semester at her new school and she loves it and says the kids are the nicest kids she’s ever been around and she has people to eat lunch with and hang out with at recess, but every time I ask her if she wants to invite someone from school over, she says no, because she assumes they are busy, and she also hasn’t received any invites either. She is like me. She has a couple of close friends and that’s it but that makes it hard over break when she’s just stuck with lame ol’ mom and that’s why I worry she has more fun at her dad’s because at least she has her brother Sutton to play with. I don’t want to be one of those mom’s who is overly concerned with her child’s social calendar (ahem, Marcy), but still I was hoping this new, smaller, more close-knit school would help expand Sophie’s friendships (and mine too, selfishly), but that hasn’t happened for either of us. But it doesn’t seem to get Sophie down so maybe it shouldn’t get me down either.

Thanks for listening, gotta get productive. 

Monday, December 19, 2016

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy

We had a lazy, lazy weekend.

We had a little ice storm on Friday – it took Sophie’s BFF Taylor more than TWO HOURS to make it to our house on Friday night for a sleepover; it normally takes 20 minutes. It took me 45 minutes to get the pizza; it normally takes 10. Oh, the things we do for our children. It’s okay though – when Taylor finally arrived, we invited her mom in (we are friends) to have pizza and hang out and wait for the traffic to die down.

Oh yeah and klutzy idiot (me) was running to get the mail and slipped on the ice on our driveway and now I have a huge bump and bruise on my elbow, and on my butt. I totally ate it. The next morning I felt as if I had gotten beaten up in a bar fight. I was sore all over. Even my neck and shoulders.

Saturday, Sophie went to her dad’s and I met my sister in laws for a late lunch and a movie. We saw Manchester by the Sea. DO NOT see this movie. Yeah I know – critics are raving about it. I HATED it; my SILs loved it. NOTHING happens in that movie. The only stuff that DOES happen already DID happen, and is shown through flashbacks. There is hardly any dialogue. It’s depressing as all get out. Seriously, I left the theater thinking, “Jeez, life really DOES suck.” Not what I needed to see.

Sunday Jeff & I binge-watched Shameless on Netflix. But first I did some laundry and a bit of errands; I found some extra stuff for Sophie at TJ Maxx – I already bought her too much. I bought stocking stuffers for the kids and then we had other presents to wrap for other people. Now our tree is full and I don’t know where the Santa gifts will go! So I ran errands, wrapped and did some laundry but I did NOT clean the house and even though I am working today which is why Sophie is at Grandma & Grandpa’s, I will do a quick clean. The house is disgusting.

I feel kind of guilty for being lazy this weekend, but not totally. Yesterday’s high was 14 degrees. What ELSE are you supposed to do in that kind of weather but hibernate??!

I didn’t even bother showering yesterday (!)

Maybe I shouldn’t announce that.

Too late.

I did get a shit ton of sleep though:)

Oh, and this little bugger got into my shopping bags and found herself an early Xmas present!
Also, I was having issues with my blog comments, but I think I’ve fixed it. So if you commented and it didn’t show up, I apologize. It should show up now.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Trying to Reign in the Crazy

I can’t seem to get a hold of my emotions lately. I’m up, then I’m down. In an instant.

I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday morning. Last time we opted not to change my meds, Pristiq, because I was going through so much. And I can’t tell if my feelings lately are situational/circumstantial or true depression. Maybe a switch would be good; I have been on Pristiq for years and years and years.

Or maybe it is just the holidays, this terrible year coming to a close, a mini mid-life crisis, winter time and it’s dark and cold, or maybe all of the above?

Missing Summar

Oh I'm missing Summar Breeze extra, extra much this week. Had another crying fit last night. Not sure why this week is so hard.


Monday night I threw a temper tantrum over correcting Sophie’s 6th grade math homework. I asked Jeff if he wanted to split it with me and he said no, but later he said he was joking. I got frustrated and threw a tantrum. I’m unfit to be a mother. My mood went downhill so fast and then I had a crying fit after Sophie went to bed, alone in the sunroom, because I missed Summar so much. This was definitely not WWSD (What Would Summar Do?). I was filled with self-loathing and now I worry I’ve ruined my daughter and she already has anxiety and OCD because of me and I did nothing to make it better. How can I teach her how to behave when I act like that?

I even scared the dog because I was being loud with the pots and pans. Throwing them around in the cabinet and sink.

I feel terrible.

I am hard to love.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Some Happy Moments

We had a great time yesterday over at Grandma & Papa’s to put together their village. It really made their day, which makes me happy. I invited Sutton to come with us, since I was picking Sophie up from her dad’s anyway. He was a doll. It only took 5 years for him to warm up to me, LOL! I can’t believe he’s going to be SIX in two months – time sure does fly!

Here are some pics:)