Wednesday, August 24, 2016


Sophie and I both hate shopping and avoid the mall like the plague. But last night, we were at the mall because I was having computer issues and had to take my Mac into the Apple store. Then she needed leggings to wear under her skirts for school, so we got some of those. Then I bought her a cookie, because she was STARVING. Then on our way out, we passed by one of those funny t-shirt kiosks and saw one that Jeff would really like and Sophie said we should buy it for him. I thought the price tag said $18 so I thought, why the hell not.

So the guy was doing the t-shirt (he had to use the presser thing to put the imprint on it), and of course he was being real salesy and trying to upsell us but I just politely refused, no big deal, though he did it a few times and it was starting to get annoying, but still, he’s trying to make $ so whatever. I didn’t have cash so gave him a credit card, he swiped it, I signed the receipt and noticed that it said $38. Well, that’s weird I thought. But I hate this type of confrontation so I just noted it in my head and was like well fuck and then well it is just $, even if it’s too much. Neither Sophie and I had eaten dinner yet and it was now 6:30 so we just wanted to get the hell out of there. The guy hands me the bag with my t-shirt, I hand it to Sophie to hold and we start to walk away and then I say, “Hey wait a second – where’s my card??”

I looked through my wallet. I asked the guy, “Did you give me back my card?” And he’s like “Yeah, yeah.” And he makes a big show of looking through all of his papers and I’m looking in my wallet and then I’m watching Sophie look in the bag and shake out the shirt and all of the sudden the card is being held up by the guy and I’m thinking WTF did that come from but it’s just me and Sophie and I don’t want to make a big deal about it because I don’t want to get into anything with this guy and now my gut is sick and has a really yucky, bad, shady feeling and I just take my card and walk away.

Sophie and I discuss and I ask her “Did you see him find my card?” And she said, “Yeah.” And I said, “Where did he get it from?” And she said, “His pocket.”

So then she started freaking out because she has severe anxiety and even though I told her that no, he doesn’t have our address (though seriously, with my card # he could probably get it, right?), he doesn’t know where we live or what my phone number is; I have fraud alert on my card; my bank would call me if anything weird happened, etc. she was still scared and Jeff was at Ethan’s baseball game when we got home. I called mall security and they said I had to call back the next day to speak with mall management. Sophie called her dad; Jamie mentioned video cameras and I said, “OH yeah!” She waited up for Jeff to come home, around 10. (Ethan’s game wasn’t until 8pm – on a school night! Isn’t that ridiculous?).

The entire transaction left me with a bad taste in my mouth, and my gut. Jeff said I should call the police but I said, No actual crime has been committed. As of now, the only charge on that credit card is the one I made last night.

So I just got off the phone with mall management and the lady listened to me and said she was sorry that happened and said she is going to call the owner of that kiosk but she also said as a renter, they’ve been good for the past 2 years, blah blah blah. I told her to look at the video tape and she said they move around so it’s not for sure that anything was captured…and…Jeff said she probably would make it SOUND like she would do something to appease me but in reality the mall needs that kiosk to pay rent so…or he might be overly pessimistic, I’m not sure.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Experiment: Day 19

So do you remember back in early May when I tried to get a referral for a psychiatrist?

And it was a long wait for appointments? And I didn’t actually get in until June?

And that lady said, “You’re bipolar, here take this medicine that will make you fat and come back in a month” and I didn’t do it and it and then one day I spent 4 hours calling TEN (10!) different psychiatrists that had good reviews online. And none of them had availability, or they were not taking new patients. But FINALLY, finally I found one. And I had to wait another month and a half for the appointment. And then the night before the appointment, she cancelled on me. AND I FLIPPED A LID. But then the doctor called me directly (it was her assistant who called to cancel) and she tried to talk to me but then someone took off with her keys or something and she tried to call back but with a blocked number and I was putting Sophie to bed and didn’t answer (because I was mad and busy) and then I left for Portland.

And then I came back and nothing happened until I had a very, very bad day and Jeff called her and said, “Listen, my wife needs to see somebody!!” And then I got on the phone with the same assistant I had talked to before and at first she tried to tell me to wait another month and I was like WTF YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME – IS THIS A JOKE?! And then she remembered me (because I reminded her. Well, no, she probably remembered me as the crazy lady who flipped her lid over a cancelled appointment – but aren’t all these doc’s patients ‘crazy’?!) and then all of the sudden, the doc could squeeze me in IN AN HOUR. So I got dressed (yes it was one of those kinds of days – the appointment was at like 2:30 and I was still in bed) and made Jeff come with me. And I called a dear, dear friend on the way over. And he helped me. And I cried. And I thanked him. And I walked into the office with tears running down my face (I almost never produce tears! I have severe dry eye!) and Jeff told me to calm down and not appear a mess (I guess I was embarrassing him) and the lady saw me and…


I talked fast, she talked fast, we went over my history briefly, Jeff chimed in a few times when asked; we both started crying when we mentioned Summar; and here is what ended up happening:

She told me, “You are going to hate me, but you need to give up alcohol entirely for a minimum of 30 days.”

While I knew that alcohol certainly wasn’t doing me any favors (even though I thought it was – but especially not for my weight control), she explained to me how it actually changes how the neurotransmitters act in your brain. She said even though most people THINK it relaxes them, it can actually INCREASE anxiety. Plus, we all know it’s a depressant. And we all know you aren’t supposed to drink if you’re taking anti-depressants. And I used to drink minimum two glasses of red wine per night.

I know that sounds like a lot to some people, but every single mother I know does it. Okay, maybe not every single mother but my close friends and a whole helluvalot others that I’m acquainted with, friends with, or related to.
‘Every single mother I know’ is also on some form of anti-anxiety/anti-depressive medicine. So, maybe I am drawn to those kinds of people, or them to me, or…I don’t know. Raising kids is hard, marriage is hard – that much I know.

Anyway, the doc told me that she doesn’t know if my Prisiq is working for me or not. She doesn’t know what I should be diagnosed with. She doesn’t know what is going on with me because the alcohol is masking everything. (Plus she only spoke with me for 45 minutes, but that’s what you typically get, more or less. AND, she’s a psychiatrist, not a counselor).


I’m on Day 19 of no alcohol. I’ve lost 4.5lbs so far. Which isn’t bad at all. (But it’s still not fast enough for me. I am STILL over my PRE-pregnancy weight; I am still 12 pounds over my weight when I married Jeff just 2 1/2years ago, and 30 [!] pounds over my weight when I married Jamie [though I was only 23]. But I’m much, much healthier now. I just want to be SKINNY and healthy. But not too skinny. Just healthy weight skinny.)

I feel great! I gotta tell you, it’s a helluva lot easier to get up and get going in the morning when you don’t drink the night before. And I mean, drink anything. Because it’s not as if I used to wake up hungover every morning, sheesh. But there is no foggy head. There are less GI issues. I can now survive on one cup of coffee and a half hour of wake up time – it used to take me 2 cups and one hour before I was ready for my run. Which is a very good thing, considering Sophie and I have to leave the house an entire HOUR earlier for her new school. So I’m usually up between 5:15 and 5:30 and running by 6:30, which is going to get harder and harder as fall approaches – the sun didn’t even come up this morning until 6:21! And although I have treadmill downstairs, I much, much prefer to run outside. I save my treadmill for rainy or freezing days (though I know hard-core runners who won’t stop no matter what the weather is doing; one is in my office!)

But do I feel more CALM? Do I feel my anxiety going down? The answer is:

So, I feel like I’ve been getting along much, much better with Ethan since I’ve stopped drinking? Maybe I’m not as over-sensitive to every single thing he does or doesn’t do/say? But it’s been pretty pleasant and easy-going between us? (KNOCK ON WOOD). And 5 days after I stopped drinking I had to go out of town for work. And one of my bosses said I seemed calmer, but then I asked another co-worker and she said no, I was still as hyper as always (not meanly – I wanted that kind of honest answer). So I’m not sure if my boss said that just because she thought that’s what I wanted to hear or what…but how could she know?

It was easy to explain the not-drinking, and none of them batted an eye. I simply said I was giving it up for min. 30 days in order to accelerate my weight loss. And they asked me if I minded if they drank (bc every evening after our meetings, we would go out to eat at some really, really nice restaurants and they would order wine) and I said “No, of course not because frankly, if you weren’t drinking and I wanted to, I would still drink.” Brutally honest, I am. But it wasn’t a problem or a big deal at all. Sometimes I would have the bartender make me a virgin cocktail. Otherwise I would just stick with my water and didn’t really think much about it. Besides, Jeff still drinks around me, at home and/or when we’re out to eat, and/or at the pool, so…

But I will tell you that I’m definitely not calmer around him.
He still knows my buttons to push and that’s because live together and are married.
And sometimes guys are dumb.
But I will say that when I’m drinking, I go quicker toward anger than sadness.
Without alcohol, it’s the opposite. I’m much more likely to cry than to get mad these days.
Not sure which is better/worse; neither are ideal; if only I could turn my heart to stone so that all words just roll right off my back…especially when my husband is extra nit-picky.

Also, maybe my anxiety HAS gone down a bit because every night before bed, I used to get the “jimmy legs.” Like, even if I ran that morning, at night I would get very, very tense in my legs. Like, SO tense and nothing would relieve it, not even stretching. But I haven’t had that problem AT ALL since I stopped drinking.

My next appointment with this chick is Sept. 16; I’ll post an update then about this.

Are You Sitting Down?


No, I’m not pregnant. WTF? I’d be crying and pulling my hair out.

Yesterday, Jeff, Ethan, Sophie, Jamie, TT, Sutton and I all went to our pool.

Now, if I had told you that 8 years ago, would you have fallen off your chair? Are you STILL about to fall off your chair??

It was actually the second time we invited them to the pool – the first time TT didn’t come because she was packing for their Disney trip. Here’s a pic:

Sometimes TT is not that talkative to me. But this time she had some liquor in her so we were very chatty. Wonders never cease, I guess, huh?

It is annoying in that almost every weekend when it’s my weekend with Sophie, Jamie asks to do something, like, “It’s a great day to be outside, do you want to do the park, soccer, etc?” But I leave him alone on his weekends (my grown-up time!). But this weekend WAS absolutely GORGEOUS and the kids didn’t have friends over yesterday, so it worked out. Jamie & TT are actually thinking about joining our pool next summer – um…well, whatever floats their boat!

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

UPDATE: Whew! Sophie’s First Day of 6th Grade

Whew! Boy was I relived when I picked up Sophie from school today and saw that
a) A lot of the moms were in baseball caps, shorts, tanks – looking casual and sweaty
b) I wasn’t the only one that didn’t know what to do but an ‘old hat’ mom told us what to do, and was very nice about it
c) Sophie had a GREAT day! She loves her teacherS – she has a different teacher for PE (who is AWESOME), for grammar and science (she rocks), for music, art, math, etc….and when I asked her about her homeroom teacher who also teaches Bible, history, reading & writing, social studies & geography, she got a HUGE smile on her face!:)

So happy right now. So thankful that we are able to do this, that we have this opportunity.

SO glad that Sophie had a MUCH better day than me because ALL DAMN DAY TECHNOLOGY HAS HATED ME!!!

She has math homework tonight, and will every night. And LOTS of it.
I need a tutor! LOL

EEK! Sophie’s First Day of 6th Grade

As if you haven’t already seen 18,000 first day of school pics on Facebook, but still…
Today is Sophie’s first day of 6th grade at her new, private Christian school.
TT bought her new tennies! Her fav. color!:)
 Jamie, Grandma & Papa, Sophie and I went yesterday to drop off school supplies, meet her teacher, etc. This is the first time Sophie has a male teacher, and she is excited. She is generally excited about starting this new school altogether actually and has tried on her uniform several times for me, G&G, and her BFF:) Her classroom only has 17 kids, and there is only one other 6th grade classroom with about the same amount of kids. Her school is teeny tiny compared to Ethan’s.

Her teacher is friendly and handsome – not that I’m looking!:). What struck me the most though was how genuinely NICE everybody seems. From the room mom to the other parents to the students. Sophie’s teacher knew she was new this year and made a point to introduce her to all the girls, though Sophie does already have one girl she knows in her class, that she played softball with a couple of years back. And the girls didn’t just like, wave and say hi. They were like, “How’s your summer going?” “Do play any sports? I play x, y, z” etc. THIS KIND OF THING NEVER HAPPENED AT SOPHIE’S OLD SCHOOL. At Sophie’s old school, I was one of THREE parents at back to school night. Different demographic, yeah I get it, but this was…
So! I’m excited!
Sophie is excited!
We’re also probably a wee bit nervous – me, more than her:)

I’m mostly nervous about the school work. I felt like she hardly had any homework last year (she begs to differ), and I feel like 6th grade is just going to be more difficult in general (and continuously so as she gets up in the grades), and even though Sophie has always been a straight A student, and very studious, and Grandma Sue has been tutoring her in math and sometimes spelling this summer, I still worry she will be behind these kids. Sophie’s old school DIDN’T EVEN TEACH SPELLING. And the new school changed the language program this year. Instead of “just” Spanish, they are now going to do mini-units on: Linguistics, Spanish, French (Yay – I can help her with that one!), and Russian (Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? THE LETTERS AREN’T EVEN THE SAME!!). So, that should be interesting. Also, I can’t do 6th grade math. Though Ethan is a math whiz and is taking ALGEBRA this year. I didn’t take algebra until I was in 9th grade and I still didn’t get it (HOW DARE THEY MIX UP LETTERS AND NUMBERS!! WTF???!)

Also, yesterday was Sutton’s first day of KINDERGARTEN!! And Sophie insisted on getting him on the bus and then she, Daddy and TT followed the bus to school and walked him into his classroom. TT sent me this picture today and Sutton had asked this morning if Sophie would get him on the bus again – So cute! So sweet!
and the dog Josie
I am a bit worried about fitting in with the well dressed, fashionable rich mom’s at Sophie’s new school. And then part of me is like, “Fuck it; just be yourself.”
Except I don’t like myself so that’s kind of hard. 

Ethan's first day of middle school (6th grade) - Yesterday